Love Songs: Severe Thunderstorm Warning

(I began this poem about a year ago...I think. 
I have no clue what it meant then. 
But with all this pain
I must be moving on
To something new...)

"This is a love song
Made up of moments
we've never shared together."

                                                          I sang that song for two weeks
                                                          In a play
                                                         Kissing a boy
                                                         I can't remember his name
                                                         or his face

Love song

Lent begins on Wednesday
This is one of those big years
I have three days to decide
how to live it.

Last night's storm woke me
And I prayed...
the 22 carat gold rosary in my hand
And I wondered about the dream

Another friend, stage 4 cancer
Right now, I am wanting to distance myself
from all this
suffering

Still it is more than a year
and I have not left the suffering
of others
and I have discovered
my own.

Now is the season for poetry
The season for for dying to self
Yet self is all around me

I tell them
I am in pain
I hurt enough
to entertain death again,
cook it a meal,
serve my best wine,
and say,
"Let's be friends forever."

I tell it to my best friend
in the whole world
The one
whose brother
Hanged himself
on Mother's Day
when he got tired
of
remembering.

A good friend, I am.
                                      She stays even then.
I pick good ones.
                                      But I can't seem to heal.

Did I decide to live this way?
Or did it just happen?