Around again

The sun and the earth meet
In this same place every year
The moment begins here
Where there is more dark than light
The day I got married

I sat on the hood of the '64 Plymouth Fury
And talked with God

This is what I deserved
Playing with fire, not caring
who used by body
or why
Giving up on love so long ago
Now feeling anything was rare
And only a problem
to be endured

Why, God? Why this? Why now?
And I knew the answer
But I didn't want to hear it

or feel it

This was the best solution
To a young woman sliding quickly
into hell
A woman who ran out of options
because she would not stop staring at the wall

There was a door
There was a window
But she placed her nose close to the wall

The way the nuns made her do
when she asked too many questions

Why God? Why this? Why now?

Yet I marveled at the life growing inside me...
I would have preferred to walk the path alone
But like really living a life,
I was too scared
And I knew NORMAL people
got married

So I sat on the car
And considered my cage:
Could be worse, you know

I looked up at the sky, filled with the stars
of the atumnal equinox
and thought
I'll never be an astronaut,
a scientist, a lawyer,
or a movie star

I'll be a wife and a mother
It's what I deserve
A cage...no one will ever know I existed
Oh God...what have I done?
I have killed myself before I was even alive.

Such were the thoughts
of a selfish child
who never felt or knew love
whose life was determined without her consent
was it?

These thoughts would take years to forgive
and even more to understand

Cindy September 23 2012