de profundis clamo

Someone is paying attention
Someone knows
And understands

My shadow scares me
I keep trying to die
But someone wants me alive
To torment
To love
I really don't know

How much pain
can a heart feel
and still pump blood?
                                   I heard that somewhere
                                                                        from someone.
Maybe my mother.

That poem...about car sitting...
That I wrote
On our anniversary last year
only a few days before the annulment was made final
                                                              when I decided to let go
And move on
                      and less than six months later
                                                                      he left....for good...or bad...
And I think about the car sitting now.
How I thought he would be the perfect father
for my children.
He would not yell at them
And he was really really REALLY smart
I pushed them together
every chance I could
He was better than me
                                   and I knew it
Learn from him
                                   not me

The December after the September
I gave my life away
I was standing in the living room
Of the house in Miami
On the Air Force base
                                   loving the sound
                                                              of jet engines
firing up and taking off
In the midst of all that noise
                                            there it was
The first kick from my daughter

I had life inside me
                              now it was real.

And today I grieve for the one who helped me create it.
He left
And all my thoughts of creating a
Happy Home Happy Family
were gone...with his suitcase.