Fast Car

She didn't really tell me
That her parents were killed when she was seven years old
That she was in foster homes ever since then
That she got to see her brother every now and then
But that two months ago
He killed himself
And she was angry
And did something foolish
And now she's here
Waiting for a baby to be born in May

She didn't really tell me those things
Because those things don't really happen to people
God watches over
And when it gets really hard
We get a break
Only there is no break
It just stays hard

Had to unlock the gate
To let her go to meet her parole officer
Somewhere not near by
Leaving at dawn for a 10 o'clock appointment
Babies in the back seat
I wonder why they have to leave so early
Her husband has to restart the car several times
It sputters down the road
Yeah, it might take them three hours to get there...

And I think life just stays hard
For some
That gospel verse
"To those who have much
More will be given
And to those who have little
Even that will be taken away"
And I don't think about how we are being told
To make good use of our gifts
But rather
How those who have much always know how to get more
And those who have so little
Have their little bit taken away from them
Because the poor steal from the poor
As quickly as they steal from the rich
And the rich,
well, sometimes they steal,
but they never get caught.

I sat there, looking at the little girl
thinking how much I had suffered
and survived
and just listening to her
Beginning her journey
Figuring it out
Deciding not to feel

I remember those days of not feeling
And those days when the feelings began
And how deeply it wounded me
So much so that I thought
It might be better to be dead

But I pressed on
Yet never alone
And I found the other side
The side with the light
The side where I could smile again
And mean it

And I decided
When the time comes for her to feel
I think she will make it
After it hurts a lot
She find herself on the side of the light
And she'll be okay

Yes, this one will be okay
Yet still, to think of her, I cry

He who laughs last...

...Thinks slowest.

I have people in my life who love me...But I don't know it
I have people who I love deeply...But I don't show it.

She wanders up and down the halls
Dreaming of perfect bliss
She can't see the heaven before her
The kindness she'll often miss

Caught in the webs of could-have-beens
Should-have-beens, might-have-done-thats
When the tree of life before her
Stands, his hands open, laid flat

"Climb my branches, swing from them
Tell me your stories and wishes to be
Build within me your house
Stay connected to me."

But her head wanders elsewhere
Her eyes look down the street
Her heart plays games with memories
Of when two lovers meet

Touches gentle and sometimes harsh
Lovers remembered then forgot
Waiting always waiting
For something that was not...

"He's waiting for my yes
He's waiting for me to see
All I ever needed
Was right in front of me"

Like Dorothy, over the rainbow
Like Blynken, sailing starry seas
Tin man, scarecrow and lion
Guard her until she sees

What she wanted she always had
Given to her before birth
Life and longing for love
While waiting here on the earth

The gift was first a man
And then the little boy
Hands to hold and trails to walk
And tales of endless joy

He wrote to her He sang to her
He played her a little tune
He romanced her in the garden
Under a half-crescent moon

She bent her head and laughed a bit
Under the starry sea
"How do I say yes to you
When you've already said yes to me?"

"Open your self to the world
Love them with all your heart
By loving them, you love me
From you I shall never part"


She closed her eyes and finally saw
The Love that held her tight
Bigger and stronger, bolder and longer
And she knew she lost the fight

Looking over the fence was over
Waiting for doors to unlock was done
She found her perfect love
In the gift from the Father and the Son

Cindy
July 5,.2011
going to keep working on it...

Someday

Someday
A man will stand behind me
Put his arms around me
And tell me that he loves me
And I will lean back and smile
And remember
That it doesn't have to be hard
It doesn't have to be an uphill climb
It doesn't have to be perfect
I don't always have to be afraid
Or in charge
I can just lean back and rest
And know the only thing expected of me
Is to be there
And open to his arms

Someday
I'll realize
That love is not about
Who you are
Or what you do
Or what you might do

Someday I'll realize that
Love is not about tomorrow
It is about today
And today
I lean back
I rest in his arms
I hear his heartbeat
Fully human
Fully Divine
And completely  totally
Body Blood Soul Divinity
Mine

Someday is today
And the ring He gave me
Is a rainbow so big
It encircles the entire world

I can love you because He loved me first.

Cindy Johnson
May 12. 2011
7:56 a.m.

Never quite turns out as you expect it to...

Needing an Annie Dillard fix?Pop Tart? Extra pair of glasses
*****************************************
Sitting on the steps
Wind blowing through my hair
I remember when
I didn't have a care
Just sitting on the steps
With my mind open wide
Waiting for real life to happen
Waiting on the slide
Touch it with my hand
Oh! Too hot to handle!
Yet shiny silver so seduces
Burns my backside like a candle
Should have stayed up high
Should have stepped back down
But instead I took the leap of faith
And went flying into the ground.
**************************

Monday Mourning Chores

Cleaned behind the refridgerator
Cut hair
Washed clothes
Went to Mass
Picked up pager
Told the truth

~~~~~~~~~~<><><><><><>~~~~~~~~~~

Here is my beloved servant

My chosen one

A bruised reed she will not break

"Coh ahmer Adonai"

A light to the blind

I came back to you
I remembered how you made me feel
When you believed me
Believed in me
I washed your feet with my tears
And dried them with my hair
Now lying in a pile on the ground
Soon to be swept away
The hair from a different time and purpose
I cut off for you

I told the truth for you
When it would have been easier to lie
To tell you what you wanted to hear
To make you feel good
I told the truth
And he told you to throw me back
Out in the streets
To earn my living again
In ways only the darkness understands

He will sell you for thirty pieces of silver
But I will buy you back with my tears
Stand beside you

Let my eyes shelter you when you cry out
That your Father is not here
I am here
Look at me
We will get through this
Together

Palm Sunday

Hands outstretched
Wanting more
Eyes blind to the price
Of what wanting more
really means

You tell me you love me
But that's a lie
I see your eyes
Your hands
Your heart
There is no remnant of me in any of them
But the words keep coming out of your mouth
well planned, well trained
But just words

April 17, 2011
Copyright April 2011

November 20, 1992

Poetry journal started back then.   "...if I don't pay attention to my existence, no one else will.  It is a cool., overcast November afternoon. I am anxiously awaiting for the return of my son from Camp Goddard in Oklahoma. I hope he will bounce off the bus with tales that will make him smile. His happiness found means I am a successful mother, not that I am completely responsible for his happiness, but rather, his laughter tells me that I did a good thing in creating him. I look around and see all the other parents and they all look so old, like they are MY parents, not the parents of small children. And then I realize, "Cindy, you will be 36 in December. You are not so young..."
My poetry had a very different flavor then:

I: Awakening

Debussy make the best kind of lover
He kisses your fingers and toes
And works his way to the middle
Where the chords fit snuggly
Weaving their way through you
To explode out your fingers and toes
And when the piece is complete
And air flows back inside
And your heart starts to beat again
With new life
All the transgressions committed by life
Pale to the feeling of music
That now flows in your veins.

When I think of all the pianists I've met
who aren't married...
We don't realize what it means to
devote oneself completely to the art
like a priest...one cannot be burdened
with things other than music
things that interfere with the art
But the irony is
that to truly express life
one has to live it
otherwise the expression is a fantasy
and quite frankly, some of us prefer the fantasy

II: Discovery

Tempermental musician
How do you see me?
Do I move you enough to write for me?
Or am I not even a whisper in your thoughts after our meeting?

I desperately need a legacy
different from the life I live.

Can you create for me that fantasy
from golden trees and green
of water white against sky blue
with notes that sing in yellow and violet hues?
Will you transform the memory of me
into pretended passion made real in the melody?
Or am I not even the blank page on which you write?
24 June 94

 III:  Truth?

Calmness upsets me
under the guise of reality
I play with the cards dealt
Never completely relinquishing my soul
to mediocrity
Always in pain holding back this soul
Slowly dying in the repression of expression
The air grows thinner in my cage
"Time to change the paper!"
Yet I don't
To change it...to obey
is to admit defeat.
9 August 94

Eucharistic Prayer

In the woods, long ago

I carried my Bible

Sat on a log

And read the Gospel of John

To the birds and squirrels and skies

Hoping maybe God would hear

And remember me

Take kindly my thanksgiving prayer

And rescue me from...

From what was I running?

I can't remember.

Lord you are holy indeed

( Lord, Make me holy)

The fountain of all holiness

(Will you share it with me?)

Let your Spirit come upon these gifts of bread and wine

(And on me, let me be your gift...please)

Let them become

(Let me become)

The Body and Blood

(Your Body and Blood)

Of your Son, Our Savior the Lord Jesus Christ

(Of your Son, Our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ

In this world today)

Time is a human construct

Because we are mortal

But He is not mortal

He was there then, with them

He is here now, with us now

All of time disappears in the prayer

The Thanksgiving prayer

The Eucharistic prayer

In the prayer, we have our first taste of immortality

On the night he was betrayed

(I was betrayed...I will be betrayed, handed over)

He took the bread, broke it and said

(He took me, broke me and said)

This is my Body

(We are His Body, we share in the gift)

This is my Blood

(We are His Blood, we share in the suffering)

Do this in remembrance of Me.

(Zachar Adonai...Zacharu, Adonai, Elohim...can't remember my Hebrew

Of course he did it in Aramaic...why, O Lord, don't I know?

Why can't I remember? Forgive me, O Lord, I have sinned.)

Look around the church. See the faces, remember the faces. The room begins to spin. I see so many hands clasped in prayer. Why do we come here? Why this place? Why today?

Here is the church

Here is the steeple

Open the doors 

And see all the people

See all the people. Heads bowed. 

They believe...or they want to believe...

Let us become one

As the Father and I are One

Let them know

All that we know

Remind them, remind us, remind me

We are not alone. 

Love, Cindy

Seeing into the Weave

12:39 a.m. April 5, 2011.
Woke and the feeling still won't go away.
Yesterday, my life made more sense than it ever has...ever
Yesterday, time stood still, and time stood together
*******

Yesterday, God said
You are not dead
Today you will know why
You were born blind
You will see well beyond them
Into the weave
You will see me
Into eternity

Why is today not like other days?
Because it is holy, set apart
Designed to heal
your inmost heart
Designed to stay
Inside God's way
Designed to heal
Those nerves of steel
Built to protect
An internal defect
A violation of the soul
From times of old

Today the miracle
Has been made clear
Through loving eyes
And listening ear
What once was lost
Now is found
You've made your way
To higher ground

Wounds that once crippled
Now can hardly be seen
Kissed back to living
Far away from the dream
That once killed you each night
On your pillow of tears
You've been given now back
The gift of those years
Lost to sorrow and pain
And wondering why
Now at last making sense
No reason to die
But to live now for Him
Who died there for you
And pass unto others
That love given you
Love, Cindy
Copyright April 5, 2011 @1:05 a.m.

Wind

Wind blows
God knows
Leaves bend
Showers end
Bodies rise
Beneath skies
Arms greet
Daybreak sweet
Teeth brushed
Hair hushed
Coffee made
Breakfast laid
Keys found
Heart pounds
Open door
Waits for more...

Cindy Johnson
copyright April 2011

Ashes to...

Within the Stravinsky motif

A curious child tests her limits

Plays with fire

And burns brightly

Til she burns out

Enter the stag

Symbol of strength and trust

Pulls her broken body from the ashes

Nudges her back into action

She has only the strength to cry

And her tears bring life

To all that was dead inside her

**************************

I have been commissioned to sing my note

Inside this creation

Only pleasing to God and a few well trained ears

Yet sing it, I must

I stand both inside and out

Not yet knowing whether I belong inside

Or out

What I thought was true

Is illusion

What I thought was illusion

Is true

 *****************************

"Authority rests in Me," He tells me,

"I give to you the gift to heal.

No one on earth can take that from you.

What I bind on earth stays bound to me.

Do not doubt your gift."

"But how? I am just a woman." I tell Him.

"Do not say to Me, 'I am just a woman.'

I will show you the path to walk.

I pulled you out of the ashes

And breathed life into you.

It is okay to cry. Your woman tears

Will breathe life into the dead

And give hope to the discouraged.

Your woman tears are your greatest gift.

They, more than anything else you offer Me,

Pleases Me the most.

They cleanse you

They bathe you

They make you holy

And give you great power.

Do not be afraid of them.

I gave them to you.

Each tear brings life anew

Feeds the earth again

Your special rain creates life

Because you believe in Me.

Because you love Me.

Because I loved you first."

Cindy

copyright April 1, 2011

Fitting In

The dog went to the head of the line
And asked for directions
And was told
"We'll be lining up in two rows on the sidewalk
And we will enter the gates together"

So the dog tried to find a place in the line
The other dogs all had uniforms
She looked down
Her coat was matted
And she needed a bath
She was ashamed and took a step back
Wanting to be in the other line
But then the other line filled up quickly
and pushed her away

And they all marched in through the gates
She watched them
They looked pretty
Being all alike
And they barked so beautifully in unison
Like one giant dog with many parts

She heard the gate clank shut
And she watched all the dogs laughing and running and playing
From outside the gate

But behind her she heard a sound
Another dog arrived
Older, larger...a bit scruffy...like her
And asked her if she wanted to walk with him for a while

They walked and talked about God and things
The choices they made
The dreams they had
The way they thought the world should be, could be
If we all just loved each other a little bit more

The dog felt a little better
Didn't mind her scruffy coat so much
And placed her head under the chin of the the big dog
I will remember you, she told him.
And he left.

Then the dog lay down on the sidewalk before the big gates
The laughter and barking had grown faint
But she could smell the flowers as the wind blew across her nose

Maybe tomorrow, she thought
Maybe tomorrow they'll let me in.

Love, Cindy
copyright March 2011

Radical Theology

Because I love you

You can hurt me

Because we share a meal

You can betray me

Hand me over to the Pharisees

Take my living force, my love

And nail it to a cross

Because I know you 

And you know me

We can disappoint each other

Treat each other 

As objects

As tools

As a means to an end

Because love wounds

And heals

And makes us care 

About each other
When indifference would be so much easier

I feel alone
Because I love you
Because I miss you
And want you with me always

The animal that once roamed wild at night
Wants a home, a fire, a family, a kiss
And an embrace that tells me
"Perfect is resting in your arms alone."


Some days I see only the nails

I follow the trail of blood 
And see how we only seem to wound each other


Why did you kill me?
Make me your prize?
Give me another name
To make your life easier?


I am. 
You are my beloved daughter.
Take the risk.
Love me.


Cindy
March 28, 2011

Time enough

I really miss my flying dreams...

Racing along in the night sky
A web of electric cables above me
To keep my from flying too high
Shocking me
Burning me
Back into the ground
Weeping and wounded
Where the "less thans" live

But one night
One holy night
Just after I received Him
Just after midnight
When I was not asleep
I flew above the cables
And on into heaven
Where all the "more thans" live
More than you can imagine
More than you ever thought you could be
More than any human could ever do
I flew
Into His arms
Where even darkness was not dark
And all the pain was gone
Where He loved me most perfectly

There in the heavens
I flew among the angels
Above the electic cables
Into the perfect

I saw the souls of every man and woman ever created
Since He first thought us up
And they were all happy
In that space between Mary's arms and mine

I knew in that moment
The electric cables would never stop me again

Because He loved me first...

Cindy Johnson
March 27, 2011

New Moon

There is a stirring inside my soul

Of a song yet to be sung

With words I haven't found

But feelings, always feelings

Crowd out the rational mind

For the vagrancy of a heart

That never found a home

"Into Your hands I commend my spirit"

These daily words not yet fulfilled

Making me feel somehow less

Because I'm still holding on

"A restful night and a peaceful death"

Is every day a gift to those who

Surrender

But I was born a warrior

Out of the womb

Kicking and screaming

Who is my mother?

Where is my mother?

Where did you take her?

Why am I so cold?

Give me my sword, my armor, my mind

So that on each moonless night

I stand ready

For the next thing to happen

CMJ copyright March 2011